TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from position. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have An additional place where American Males can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he ought to stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You recognize, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus silent atrium the place company may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount can even involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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